Five Reasons You Think You Don’t Like Karaoke.

AUG 3

Posted by Dani

My friends and I do karaoke fairly regularly, usually at least once a week. I find hanging out in bars incredibly boring, but karaoke gives you something to do, something to talk about, and a really good excuse to yell. If there is one thing I really like to do when I get tipsy it is yell, which is much less acceptable in a typical bar setting. So why does everyone seem to think karaoke is a passtime similar to getting dental work done? Well, it is because sometimes it can be. Let me take you on a Journey* into the top 5 reasons you think you don’t like karaoke.

Not you.

*Journey’s Don’t Stop Believin’ exemplifies #5

#5 : Over-done Karaoke Standards

Some of these are good, fun songs, and I have even sung them when I was a karaoke noob myself. This might be something that only bothers veterans, but here is a short list of popular songs that get done to death and become karaoke old hat. Including, but not limited to:
+ Bohemian Rhapsody; I know it was in Wayne’s World. I know it is fun to sing; I know Queen rocks. Queen has lots better songs though, srsly.
+ Black Velvet/Fever; if you are a bar skank you might not be able to chemically resist singing one of these. Try though.
+ Love Shack/Summer Nights/Picture; duets are tempting cause your buddy gets to join you, but these duets hurt my heart. You don’t do a good Fred Schneider, okay? No one does.

#4 : Too Long/Repetitive

Be mindful of the time. I personally think there should be a law against songs over 5 minutes but any song is going to seem longer when there is a monitor telling everyone about the 45 measure musical break. Shorter songs leave your audience wanting more, or at least with less time to think about your performance. Time isn’t the only factor: if you can’t think of more than one line of lyrics in a song, that might be because there are very few others. Turns out the only lyrics in I Know What Boys Like are “I know what boys like.” Over and over again.  Repeating the same thing multiple times can make a song seem hours long, as can the song actually BEING too long. That is why the worst thing you can do to yourself is to sing American Pie, trust me.

#3 : Downers

There are a lot of terrible songs in the world that will not be made better by amateurs singing them. But surprisingly there are a lot of pretty good songs in the world that make for awful karaoke. Of course, there is no accounting for taste and you might love Hotel California (even though it is complete shit) but doing it at karaoke has been proven to be no fun for anyone. Avoid the Downer! If a song on the radio ever made you tear up, then don’t inflict it on a room full of people trying to party. Slow, sad songs have their place, they can be beautiful and moving, but without fail they bore the pants off of drunks. Not literally, unfortunately.

#2 : Freestyle

Hopefully you have never had to experience this, but sometimes aspiring rap stars will sign up for a song and then freestyle rap over it. This always turns out the same way, which is boring and annoying. It is usually accompanied by some embarrassing peacocking and/or random shit talk on something, which can be scary depending on how drunk and how white trash the crowd is. There is another less forward way to freestyle, but I think even MORE annoying, it is to egregiously over-sing/add vibrato to the end of every line of the song. Both versions are teeth-grindingly bad and make the singer look like a total jackass.

#1 : Shy Guy

When I tell people that I do karaoke the response is always the same. First, “OH GAWD, DO YOU SING?!?” followed by, “I WOULD HAVE TO BE SOOOO DRUNK TO SING.” Of all the karaoke faux pas I have identified, arguably the hardest to watch is the shy-person-who-thinks-they-are-drunk-enough-to-sing/shy-person-who-is-drunk-enough-to-be-bullied-by-their-asshole-friends-into-singing. These shy guys start confident, but when the music starts and they are on, they suddenly go silent. They might mumble a line here or there, maybe speak up a little around the chorus. Other than that they spend the whole time thinking this works just like the National Anthem, moving their mouths but not actually singing anything. Wastes valuable yelling time if you ask me.

All these things can bring down a night of otherwise super fun, singing, drinking, and ROCKING. Notice that there is nothing on the list about not being a talented singer. This is because talent in singing is the least important factor of good karaoke. The key is to bring the energy and bring the fun! So if you think you don’t like karaoke, you might.  Try avoiding the above and combating them when encountered with energetic fun shit and yelling. Or, turn it around on a group of karaoke downers with what we like to call Asshole Karaoke. If you can’t beat ‘em, SEE HOW THEY LIKE IT.